Healthy, Loving Communication
July 7, 2008 by Elaine Wolf Steinberg
Most of us go through life believing we communicate very well. We make our thoughts and beliefs known and we listen to others when we can. Yet, so many people come to therapy or have strained relationships because they feel unheard and misunderstood. This leaves us feeling disrespected, angry, and at times alone. In this article, I offer you a simple acronym and way to communicate so that you feel heard and you hear others. If you practice this way of communication, your life could improve greatly.
VCR: Validate, Challenge, and make a Request. This is a way to respond to people with care and minimize reactivity.
Validate: First, get in touch with what the other person or people might be feeling and state it. This will help minimize defensive responses.
Challenge: Second, challenge yourself to state what you feel. Be sure to use “I” statements. Remain curious and do not criticize. Criticism causes reactivity and more stress in a relationship.
Request: Make a request. Ask for what you need. This can be difficult for folks but is empowering with practice and takes pressure off the other person.
Let’s flush out an example:
John and Linda have been married for almost five years and have twin boys who are two. They both explain they had a great connection before the marriage and before the boys but that after the boys, their relationship started to disintegrate. Linda was a teacher but chose to stay home with their children and John is an engineer. Linda feels as though John has lost respect for her and John feels that Linda puts all her energy into the children and not on him.
Poor communication:
Linda: “John, I am so sick of how you treat me. You are always joking and putting me down.”
John: “How about how you treat me. You don’t give me any time or attention!”
VCR communication:
Linda: “John, I imagine it’s been tough for you that I put so much energy on the boys and I know you feel left out at times. Please know that is not my intention. I have to let you know though that I feel like you are making disrespectful comments to me lately. This hurts. I want to feel more connected to you so please listen to what you say to me and try to stop making such comments.
John: I hear that you need me to be careful of what I say and be more respectful. I can try. You are right. I miss attention from you. I have felt really alone and need you to make time for me. Could we schedule regular time together?
Big difference right?? Yes, this does require getting in touch with how others might feel and expressing how you feel. If this is too hard right now, you might want to seek the help of a psychotherapist. This can help you understand why you make one another react strongly and help push past the negative feelings. Then you can practice “VCR” and work toward healthy, loving communication.
By Elaine Wolf Steinberg, LMFT, MSW
CNY Healing Arts
315-671-5755
sometimes you need to hear things several times before it sinks in. i read your words and was reminded that no matter how good of a relationship we think we have, there is always room for improvement. thank you for reminding me and others about how vital it is to carefully think about how we choose our words and communicate with loved ones and friends alike… and how important it is to stop talking altogether and just listen